Steve and Angela

During our series "Fed on Lies about Love" at Westwinds, we've been using the fictional account of a young couple to illustrate the relevance of the biblical text to present-day middle-America. This account is reprinted in full below.

Steve and Angela, a young couple, have been married for about five years. Steve was a fairly successful young executive; he had a good job and made a lot of money. For most of their married life, though, Angela had been in school until recently. She graduated from school and had a problem finding a job. They only had one car and Steve took it to work everyday, so Angela was stuck at home looking for a job. You know how that can get really frustrating.

When you’re home along, you can get irritable; you don’t have anyone to talk to. Angela didn’t have any friends and television only stays interesting for so long. She began to explore a little bit of the community life you hear so much about on the Internet. She entered some chat rooms, made some friends, developed a couple of online avatars and invested herself into online community as a way to try and find meaningful relationships. She began to explore further the online world, explore further her boredom, her frustration, her anxiety and irritation, her blame and anger at Steve. She signed onto an adult personals sight where she hoped to meet someone other than Steve. She began to trawl and began looking for potential partners, people she could meet for a night or a weekend.

Unbeknownst to Angela, Steve came home a little late from work one night. She had gotten involved in something else and had forgotten to log off of this website. Steve comes home from work and sees a personal website on his home computer. He sees his wife is logged on, has created a false identity and has created an online screen name. He’s taken aback, because as far as he knew, there was never anything wrong. Sure, Angela was going through a rough time, but he didn’t know she was looking around. He closes the window and is confused as to what to do. He decides he’ll think about it a few days. Should he confront Angela? Should he get mad at her? Should they seek counseling?

He decides he’s going to try a different approach. He logs onto the Internet, signs up for the same adult personals website and creates his own fake identity and screen name. He begins to look for Angela online knowing she’s out looking for new partners. Knowing what her personality is and what her interests are, Steve begins to drop hints that his fake Steve is interested in these same kinds of things. Eventually the two of them get hooked up. Angela is pretty excited because she has found someone online who is just what’s she’s looking for. Little does she know it’s her husband who is trying to seduce his wife online.

The time comes for the two of them to exchange photographs online so they know if they’re attractive. Angela sends fake Steve her photograph and Steve sends Angela a photograph of a fake Steve. They decide they should meet and meet at a supper club one night. Angela shows up early dressed to the nines; she looks like a million bucks. Steve shows up a few minutes late dressed casual like he is every day. He’s carrying a photograph of fake Steve, the photograph he emailed to Angela.

In the supper when Angela sees her husband coming towards her, she starts to panic; she thinks she’s been busted. She’s about to have an affair and her husband is going to catch her with her lover. Steve comes to the table, looks at his wife and gives her the picture and says, “Angela, you were running around looking for someone. You were looking for a one-night stand and were going to throw your life away. You shamelessly flaunted your married self online trying to get anyone to want you. You found this guy on the Internet and begged him to meet you for one night and all along it was me. Now let’s go home.”

* * *

Steve and Angela had been married about a dozen and a half years and weren’t happy. After years of misery in their marriage, they finally decided to call it quits; they just couldn’t take it anymore. They have three kids in high school. Steve was consistently angry and frustrated with Angela (primarily because of her many [and public] affairs). Beginning with her escapades on the Internet, Angela had met and spent time with several “fellows.” At some point she had ceased to hide her infidelity from Steve and her children. Steve had nothing but hatred for Angela; Angela had nothing but contempt for Steve.

At some point during the divorce proceedings the kids got involved. Kids, of course, come with their own range of emotions, sense of injustice and their own hurt and bitterness. They began to sling accusations at their mother, calling her names and indicting her. Now when Steve would do these kinds of things, it bounced off Angela, because she didn’t really care about him, but it was a whole different story to hear that kind of garbage from her kids–it cuts her badly.

Angela responded in anger and confusion and said, “Mind your own business. Shut your mouth and get out of here.” Angry at their mother, isolated from their father, these three young kids ran away and end up on the street. That was the last time Angela ever saw her children.

The story of Steve and Angela continues, but the story of Angela and her kids stops right here.

* * *

Steve and Angela were separated for quite some time. During that time, Steve—the pursuer— never lost hope. During this separation, they tried to restore some of what was lost.

There was a massive amount of counseling. And, it wasn’t all easy. Just when it looked like things might get better and the counseling was regular, Steve found that Angela had a boyfriend on the side. A boyfriend she had invested some time in. For Angela, even though she knew she should be back with Steve she had invested in something else as well that, right or wrong, had taken her time and energy and had given her some degree of pleasure. The boyfriend was a hard habit to break.

Straight out of a Hollywood movie, Steve goes to meet up with Angela one day and walks in on them . . . in the act. It is one thing to know your wife is sleeping around . . . it is quite another to see it firsthand.

Come to find out, the “boyfriend” wasn’t as committed to Angela as she was committed to him. He had used her up as his sex-kitten and was buying her jewelry and tossing cash her way to keep her around and satisfy his own fire.

Steve actually ended up paying the guy off to keep him away from Angela.

* * *

Steve and Angela were still separated and in counseling but, they started dating again regularly. Trying to capture some of that spark they once had, they took a counselor’s suggestion and made regular efforts at rekindling their romance. This went on for months.

One Friday, Steve got off work early and surprised Angela. He blindfolded her and told her they were going on a little trip. They get in the car and go for a little drive. First stop, their favorite restaurant. They sat and talked and laughed for hours.

Second stop, Steve drives Angela to a spot they used to go to and they look out over the city at all the lights. More talking.

They decide it’s getting late and they need to head back to their individual places—the house they once lived in and Angela’s apartment.

But, Steve makes one more stop. He stops at a park on the way home. He asks Angela to take his hand and walk with him. It was all too familiar. This is the park where Steve asked Angela to marry him.

In the middle of the park, Steve has arranged a small table with candlelight and a bottle of wine.

They sit and he asks her to hear him out. He tells Angela that he wants to make it work. He only has eyes for her. She has ripped him to pieces inside and it seems like it can never be quite the same but, he wants her to move back in to the house.

She agrees.

Honestly, it wasn’t quite a fairy tale ending. Angela did move back in but they didn’t make love for months. It was hard to become that intimate immediately. It took time. It took lots of “please forgive me” conversations. It took a lot of retracing and talking over painful experiences. But, eventually intimacy was restored.

The sad thing? The kids are still not in the picture.

The kids talk to Steve, but the family is scattered. It is not a family like it used to be. It is a partial restoration.

Steve has hope that someday, someday, all will be well.

solitude at 100mph

For many years I have been a motorcycle enthusiast, and the moment I close my eyes I can recall the exhilaration of riding down the TransCanada Highway every night on my way home from work. Now, despite the fact that Vancouver is a rainy city, with 1200mm of rain annually, I rode my motorcycle every single day – rain, snow, or sleet – everywhere I went. In the process of becoming that familiar with riding, and that familiar with the elements, I also became that familiar with being alone.

I became familiar with the low frequency thrum of my stovepipe muffler as I ignored the needles of rain that forced me to shut my eyes into two slits.

I became familiar with the hiss of passing cars and the deadness that bald tires make when they hydroplane, and you pray to God that car doesn’t slide into you.

I became familiar with prayer, with motorcycle prayer, with the absolute isolation you can experience on top of a bike surrounded by other people who are simply trapped inside their 6 cylinder cages watching the world go by like more T.V.

You see, when you pray on a motorcycle there’s so much noise and commotion around you, you actually begin to tune it all out and are left with only 105db of yawning silence. You don’t really notice that silence until you try and speak, or – in my case – when you first try and pray. You don’t really understand that silence is the silence of something, that the things that make noise are now the things that are in silence. It’s at that moment that you realize two things: [1] you are utterly, utterly alone with no chance of human contact, and [2] in order to be heard, either by your own ears or your perception of God’s, you have to scream.

There’s something powerful, almost feral, about having to scream your prayers out to God in order to feel like they’re being heard.

It was on that motorcycle that I allowed myself to explore isolation with God. Where once hermits escaped into the desert, or men like John Chrysostome sought solitude away from the organized church within the cities, I found my solace at 100mph in the dark rain of Vancouver. It was there I truly began to understand the metaphors of the invisible yet material spirit, the ruach, which whipped past my face with crystal alacrity and gave me the chill I know our ancestors must have encountered when they first began to explore a spirituality that was far more sensual than esoteric. It was that spirit, that breath that both hovered over the waters at creation and formed the first words and language.

It was that same spirit that I was able to engage while riding my motorcycle.

And I was able to engage that spirit because I was free from distraction. I was free from the fragmentation of a consumer world where every clerk treats me like I’m the thing for sale. I am able to disengage the pieces of my life, engage the peace of God, and find “quiet” by yelling myself hoarse on my bike.

But I don’t want to romanticize only this experience; for, though I have had this same experience many times on a motorcycle, I have also experienced it rock climbing, or hiking and – ironically – have never experienced it during a 3 day retreat in isolation or a 5 day fast in the woods. It is the same kind of experience Christ sought in the Garden of Gethsemane and the Psalmist coveted in times of despair, it just looks a little different at present for me.

Thomas Merton said that a man “becomes a solitary at the moment when, no matter what may be his external surroundings, he is suddenly aware of his own inalienable solitude and sees that he will never be anything but solitary”, and in my experience I reference that moment back to my first screaming prayer, where I knew I was alone with God.

fed on lies about love: the breakdown

Warning:

Fed on lies about love is a series that deals with mature subject matter. This week we are dealing with the infidelity of Gomer, the prostitute who married a prophet. Parental discretion is advised.

Chapter 2 of Hosea deals primarily with the violent and pornographic nature of Gomer’s marital crimes. Our world is stained with this violence. It is the weapon of un-love. It is the axe of the absence of beauty and grace.

For us to fight back we cannot use weapons of sentiment and/or neurotic distortions of passion. We must, instead, proclaim an integrated wholeness of lives marked by love–love that loves when wounded and love that welcomes wayward loved-ones home.

Steve and Angela had been married about a dozen and a half years and weren’t happy. After years of misery in their marriage, they finally decided to call it quits; they just couldn’t take it anymore. They have three kids in high school. Steve was consistently angry and frustrated with Angela (primarily because of her many [and public] affairs). Beginning with her escapades on the Internet, Angela had met and spent time with several “fellows.” At some point she had ceased to hide her infidelity from Steve and her children. Steve had nothing but hatred for Angela; Angela had nothing but contempt for Steve.

At some point during the divorce proceedings the kids got involved. Kids, of course, come with their own range of emotions, sense of injustice and their own hurt and bitterness. They began to sling accusations at their mother, calling her names and indicting her. Now when Steve would do these kinds of things, it bounced off Angela, because she didn’t really care about him, but it was a whole different story to hear that kind of garbage from her kids–it cuts her badly.

Angela responded in anger and confusion and said, “Mind your own business. Shut your mouth and get out of here.” Angry at their mother, isolated from their father, these three young kids ran away and end up on the street. That was the last time Angela ever saw her children.

The story of Steve and Angela continues, but the story of Angela and her kids stops right here. It’s a heart-breaking story. We see the illicit affairs, the frustration, the boredom, the cheating, the anger and hatred–all the broken relationships (between wife and children, between dad and kids). These are just some of the ways that marital infidelity messes up the family.

It seems like a tragic story, but it’s really not that uncommon. It’s the kind of story we hear far too often–a story of quick and unmeant marriage vows, a story of broken families, a story of kids ripped apart by the ugly behavior of their parents.

It’s a story told in the biblical text in the Book of Hosea. Written in the 7^th Century B.C., Hosea tells us this awful narrative, contained primarily in the first three chapters, about a young prophet (called and ordained by God to bring hope to people) who’s instructed to marry a prostitute. His wife, Gomer, was a Temple prostitute involved in a ritual kind of pagan worship.

Oftentimes, when we hear things in the 21^st Century concerning conflict between religions, we immediately start thinking about religious freedom and the freedom of people to have their own beliefs; that context in 7^th Century B.C. is very different from our context. We’re not talking about Gomer just having a different faith than her husband. We’re talking about this gal being involved in the Canaanite cult in which babies were ritually murdered, women were held as hostages, and prostitutes were used in several acts of idol worship.

This story of Hosea and Gomer concerns Gomer’s frequent cheating on Hosea, repeatedly going back to the Canaanite cult and to her old life. It’s the story of their divorce (told primarily in Chapter 2). It’s the story of her children showing up at their divorce and (with their father) yelling accusations at her about her marital unfaithfulness. It’s the story of brokenness all the way around.

As long as there have been people, there have been broken relationships. As long as people have been looking for truth or meaning, wrestling with the issue of God, there have been broken spiritual relationships. Hosea has a lot to teach us about rebellion, faithfulness, and the pain that comes from these broken relationships. Metaphorically, Hosea teaches the people out of his own painful experience what it’s like to love God and be loved by God. Gomer stands in for a parallel for the Hebrew people, and Hosea and his faithfulness to his wife stands in for a parallel for God.

Now, whenever we hear about a sad story–a divorce, an argument, a falling out–we always try and see both sides. You always try to make excuses for the people who look at first like the bad guy. You hear, “So-and-so was mean to me,” and you think, “Yes, but I’m sure you probably deserved it.” So when I read this story of Hosea and Gomer, and I see that Gomer is the bad girl throughout the book, I start thinking of all the ways in which maybe she’s misunderstood, and she’s not really the bad person. Yet, there doesn’t seem to be anything redemptive about the character of Gomer within the book of Hosea.

I’ve read about twenty different commentaries–I’ve done my homework–and I haven’t seen anyone even hypothesize that she was actually “good,” and we’ve just messed up the story somehow. Whether Hebrew or American, British or Eastern, Catholic or Protestant, nobody postulates that Gomer was just misunderstood, because the biblical text doesn’t allow for that kind of interpretation.

Because we don’t have a ton of other sources about Gomer, we’re forced to draw our conclusions from the story of Hosea, in which we’re told that there were two primary reasons Gomer ran off again and again. The reasons are common to a lot of people. The first one, of course, is sensuality.

Gomer likes sex; she likes weird sex. She likes being involved in a Canaanite fertility cult; she likes sex for worship. The way she is described in the first couple of chapters of the Book of Hosea leaves no room for the imagination. The accusations her children level against her and the way Hosea uses her character to instruct the people of Israel about their national spiritual identity leaves no room for the imagination. She has given herself over completely to the pursuit of her sexual expression at the substantial cost of her marriage, her worth and value, her reputation, her kids, and has now become (twenty-seven hundred years later) the archetype of an evil spouse.

But it wasn’t just wanton sexuality that led Gomer to be so unfaithful. In many ways, she was trading favors to get some security. She needed hope; she needed a promise. She needed to know she was going to be taken care of. She needed to know she was going to have enough money to buy all the nice things. She wanted to know she would be pampered her whole life.

Ironically, Hosea made those things available to her all throughout the book. We’re told Hosea pursues her sexually; we’re told Hosea makes things available to her so she can have a good life. Remember, she was a Temple prostitute–which, if you’re sorting out the caste system of the 7^th Century B.C.–you can be sure a prostitute was fairly low. In the eyes of society and in the eyes of the cultural milieu of the time, she was bumping up several notches by marrying Hosea (from prostitute to wife of prophet was a big step up). He made these things available to her, but repeatedly she ditched him.

In the case of God and his relationship with the people of Israel, we know God made these things available to the people as well. He invented pleasure; he’s not afraid of it. He promises pleasure to his people throughout different passages of the Old Testament–pleasure in art and pleasure in marriage. He promised and created these things for the enjoyment of his people and yet repeatedly the people of Israel perverted it and made it something weird and dirty. Not just weird and dirty in the normal ways, but they made it ultra weird and dirty and turned it into a human-sacrifice-and-sex cult.

Furthermore, God supplies promise for these people over and over again. He says, “I gave you the earth under your feet. I gave you the earth. I gave you your whole kingdom. I gave you your sense of confidence. I gave you a king. I gave you your political structure. I gave you prophets so you knew exactly what I want. I gave you a history. I gave you everything; I gave you myself.” But the people messed it up. They spurned it; they walked away. They wanted a different story, a different set of promises, something that felt better and was gotten a little bit easier.

Before we continue, a little historical context might be helpful. At this point in time in the Middle East, you had Israel and Judah and Syria and a couple other smaller nations all clustered together in between three super powers–Egypt, Assyria and Babylon–and these littler countries were trading favors with all the big guys to keep from getting swallowed up.

Remember, the memory of the Hebrew people, albeit short sometimes, is full of stories of God showing up in miraculous, supernatural ways and chasing off other armies–pulling apart the Red Sea, sending legions of angels. They have these things as part of their national identity. They remember what it’s like to be protected by Yahweh, but they don’t accept these things and instead prostitute themselves to other religions, to cults, to foreign powers, to other ideologies instead of staying with the God who identifies them as his in a marriage covenant. So in the midst of this, God indicts the people of Israel and says, “You’re looking to Assyria to give you safety when I have said I would give you safety.”

What I find weird, though, is that the people of Israel almost seem to hedge their bets. They do all this bad stuff, but then they keep doing the good God’s stuff they’re instructed to do. They keep having worship at the Temple; they keep offering sacrifices. They keep praying in public and paying their religious professionals. They do all of this outward stuff to keep up the appearance of pleasing God. But in Hosea, Chapter 6, we read a leveling accusation against this kind of behavior. God says, “I’m sick of it. I don’t want your burnt offerings or your dumb prayer meetings. I want you. It’s not about the religious things you do; it’s not about your rituals. It’s you I want.”

In the NIV, Hosea 6:6 says:

I delight in loyalty over sacrifice and in the knowledge of God versus

burnt offerings.

In The Message:

I’m after love that lasts, not more religion.

Jesus references this passage in Matthew, Chapter 12:

I desire mercy and not sacrifice.

Doing good deeds and/or keeping up the appearance of nicety is not enough to please God. That doesn’t make him happy. Being a good person isn’t really what it’s all about. What God wants is us; he wants that relationship.

Last week we defined sin as the breaking of relationship. Sin is oftentimes used by religious people as a way to make people feel guilty; but the reality is that we all wrestle with (and are guilty of) sin. The reason we’re guilty is because sin is the breaking of relationships–the breaking of our relationship with God and the breaking of our relationship with other people. We break those relationships by the offenses we commit against the other person.

Now, God isn’t just after behavior modification–he’s after whole relationships. He doesn’t want us to behave and “stay in line” and look right–he wants us. The more we pursue and engage God, the more our behavior is going to change–we’ll become more patient, more kind, more gentle spirited, more long-suffering and charitable. God does care about our lifestyle and personal standards of holiness; but, more than that and first and foremost, he cares about our hearts.

I’m not much of an artist, but I’ve done some diagramming here for you (see above). We might understand this diagram as a diagram of God’s pleasure–things that make God happy. Because God gives us so many instructions about the way we ought to live, we understand that holiness and goodness are important to God, but that understanding actually somehow misleads us in our divine understanding.

See, we think that if God is perfection, then all the people who are closer to being perfect will make God happier. The guy or the gal who is right next to God on the diagram makes God really, really happy, because they’re a really, really good person. They’ve got nothing wrong with them–nice family, nice house, nice car–they look after people, and they’re polite. The person in the bottom corner who is far from God and well away from God then obviously must make God unhappy. But that’s not what the biblical text supports.

Oftentimes, we make the mistake of thinking it’s our position that makes us holy or our position that makes God glad. We think if we’re positioned closer to being really good, that makes God a whole lot happier than if we’re positioned way out in left field living life like a wreck. But holiness isn’t about position as much as it’s about orientation and heading. Orientation is the term used to describe which way you’re facing. Heading is the term used to describe which way you’re going.

Our position doesn’t really tell us how happy God is. If we add some directions, then you get the idea that the people who are heading towards God (i.e. pursuing and engaging God), regardless of what their life looks like right now, are the people that make God happy. The people that are disengaged from God, moving away from God (i.e. oriented away from God), are the people who break God’s heart. Even though this little guy or gal way down here in the corner is far from being perfect, because they are oriented towards God, they make him happy. In addition, we know that because they’re pursuing and engaging God, over time they’re going to be transformed, and consequently their life will also start looking a little bit different.

That’s why we have these scriptures like Hosea 6:6. It’s why we want to make the point over and over and over again that what God is really after is you. He doesn’t want all kinds of behavior modifications most–he wants you most.

Now, repeatedly through the text Hosea pursues Gomer–he wants his wife back even though she had done some bad things. Even in the context of their family falling apart, their kids running away, and in the midst of his own hatred, Hosea wants her back. Even in the midst of the national sin of Israel and their spiritual infidelity, God wants his people back. He’s a god of restoration, of reconciliation, of un-sin, of un-brokenness, of making broken things whole again.

In Chapter 2 we come to this powerful piece of the Bible. This is Hosea the Prophet speaking on behalf of God addressing the Nation of Israel. But like most of the Book, it’s very easy for us to understand Hosea is also saying these things to Gomer, his wife.

And now, here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to start all

over again. I’m taking her back out into the wilderness where

we had our first date, and I’ll court her.

I’ll give her bouquets of roses. I’ll turn Heartbreak Valley into

Acres of Hope. She’ll respond like she did as a young girl,

those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

“At that time”–this is GOD’s Message still–“you’ll address me,

‘Dear husband!’ Never again will you address me, ‘My slave-

Master!’

Listen to the choice of words being used here. Knowing what we know about restoration, about wholeness, about being made one again, don’t you think it’s significant God will be addressed as “Dear husband” instead of “slave-Master”?

I’ll wash your mouth out with soap; get rid of all the dirty false-god

names, not so much as a whisper of those names again.

At the same time I’ll make a peace treaty between you and wild

animals and birds and reptiles…

…and get rid of all weapons of war. Think of it! Safe from beasts

and bullies!

And then I’ll marry you for good–forever! I’ll marry you true and

proper, in love and tenderness.

Yes, I’ll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You’ll

Know me, GOD, for who I really am.

That’s a cool promise, a fantastic promise. I don’t know what it would have been like to be around at that time, so I have a hard time imagining Hosea saying to Gomer, “What is she thinking at this point?” She never readily responds to him. It’s not like she says, “Oh, good, I’m so relieved. Thanks so much. I love you; it’s my mistake.” She never does that. I have a hard time imagining what it must be like for the people of Israel to be looking at Hosea, who married a prostitute. What are they’re thinking as they look at him and he’s using their failed marriage as an illustration to teach about God’s love?

Yet it’s not such a huge stretch for me to see in my own life the same seeds of destruction that are sown into the life of Gomer and the Nation of Israel. Aren’t there times, if you’re honest, where you look somewhere else for the promise of security? Certainly there are plenty of stories of marriages in which one or both of the spouses look for pleasure outside of the marriage.

It’s not so hard to imagine, though the particulars are different, those same things are the things we wrestle with. I think the very reason this book is in our Bible is to tell us, “Yes, we all wrestle with this. Yes, it’s awful, but even more than the awfulness of our garbage, more powerful than that is the grace of God. The unending, limitless grace of our supernatural husband who always wants us back.”

This grace is described in many places, several of the most potent of which are found within Jewish literature. In the Babylonian Talmud, which is a rabbinic commentary, a Midrash, in the Old Testament, there are thirteen different kinds of mercy ascribed to the person of God.

1. God is merciful before someone sins, even though God knows that a person is capable of sin.
2. God is merciful to a sinner even after the person has sinned.
3. God represents the power to be merciful even in areas that a human would not expect or deserve.
4. God is compassionate, and eases the punishment of the guilty.
5. God is gracious even to those who are not deserving.
6. God is slow to anger.
7. God is abundant in kindness.
8. God is the god of truth, thus we can count on God's promises to forgive repentant sinners.
9. God guarantees kindness to future generations, as the deeds of the righteous patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob) have benefits to all their descendants.
10. God forgives intentional sins if the sinner repents.
11. God forgives a deliberate angering of Him if the sinner repents.
12. God forgives sins that are committed in error.
13. God wipes away the sins from those who repent.

What I find most fascinating is that these Rabbis make special mention that God has mercy on everyone who accepts it. No matter who you are or what you’ve done, no matter how bad your life is, no matter what you’ve done right up until this point or even what you’re going to do after, God is merciful to you. If you want to be whole with him, you can. That’s powerful.

It’s not common for us to talk about sin and separation and metaphysical, supernatural reality in our day. It’s not the kind of thing we talk about, but it’s that which goes deepest in us–the fulfillment for which we fight, the significance, the meaning, the pleasure center of our soul.

The text of Hosea brings us again and again back into an awareness that more than anything God wants us. He wants us oriented towards him; he wants to love us. He wants to start fresh with us–with you. If we’ll allow ourselves to be open and engage God and allow ourselves to pursue him, he’ll grab us by the hand and run.

Will you do it? Will you give yourself to God? Will you allow that relationship to be made whole?

fed on lies about love: the story of hosea and gomer

Warning:

Fed on lies about love is a series that deals with mature subject matter. For three weeks we will deal with stark openness about the biblical prophet Hosea and the story of his marriage to the prostitute Gomer. Parental discretion is advised.

We live in a world awash in love stories. Most of them are lies. They are not loves stories at all–they are lust stories, sex fantasy stories, domination stories. From the cradle we are fed on lies about love.

When our minds and imaginations are crippled with lies about love, we have a hard time understanding “love” as a fundamental ingredient of daily living. We require true stories of love if we are to live truly.

Hosea was the prophet of love, but not as we imagine or fantasize it. He was a parable of God’s love for his people lived out as God revealed and enacted it.

God goes after us at our worst, keeps after us until he gets us, and makes lovers of men and women who know nothing of real love. Once we absorb this story and the words that flow from it, we will know God far more accurately.

Steve and Angela, a young couple, have been married for about five years. Steve was a fairly successful young executive; he had a good job and made a lot of money. For most of their married life, though, Angela had been in school until recently. She graduated from school and had a problem finding a job. They only had one car and Steve took it to work everyday, so Angela was stuck at home looking for a job. You know how that can get really frustrating.

When you’re home along, you can get irritable; you don’t have anyone to talk to. Angela didn’t have any friends and television only stays interesting for so long. She began to explore a little bit of the community life you hear so much about on the Internet. She entered some chat rooms, made some friends, developed a couple of online avatars and invested herself into online community as a way to try and find meaningful relationships. She began to explore further the online world, explore further her boredom, her frustration, her anxiety and irritation, her blame and anger at Steve. She signed onto an adult personals sight where she hoped to meet someone other than Steve. She began to trawl and began looking for potential partners, people she could meet for a night or a weekend.

Unbeknownst to Angela, Steve came home a little late from work one night. She had gotten involved in something else and had forgotten to log off of this website. Steve comes home from work and sees a personal website on his home computer. He sees his wife is logged on, has created a false identity and has created an online screen name. He’s taken aback, because as far as he knew, there was never anything wrong. Sure, Angela was going through a rough time, but he didn’t know she was looking around. He closes the window and is confused as to what to do. He decides he’ll think about it a few days. Should he confront Angela? Should he get mad at her? Should they seek counseling?

He decides he’s going to try a different approach. He logs onto the Internet, signs up for the same adult personals website and creates his own fake identity and screen name. He begins to look for Angela online knowing she’s out looking for new partners. Knowing what her personality is and what her interests are, Steve begins to drop hints that his fake Steve is interested in these same kinds of things. Eventually the two of them get hooked up. Angela is pretty excited because she has found someone online who is just what’s she’s looking for. Little does she know it’s her husband who is trying to seduce his wife online.

The time comes for the two of them to exchange photographs online so they know if they’re attractive. Angela sends fake Steve her photograph and Steve sends Angela a photograph of a fake Steve. They decide they should meet and meet at a supper club one night. Angela shows up early dressed to the nines; she looks like a million bucks. Steve shows up a few minutes late dressed casual like he is every day. He’s carrying a photograph of fake Steve, the photograph he emailed to Angela.

In the supper when Angela sees her husband coming towards her, she starts to panic; she thinks she’s been busted. She’s about to have an affair and her husband is going to catch her with her lover. Steve comes to the table, looks at his wife and gives her the picture and says, “Angela, you were running around looking for someone. You were looking for a one-night stand and were going to throw your life away. You shamelessly flaunted your married self online trying to get anyone to want you. You found this guy on the Internet and begged him to meet you for one night and all along it was me. Now let’s go home.”

Sad story and it’s the same story we find in the Book of Hosea, Chapter 2. Hosea is a fascinating book, a hearting breaking book. Perhaps in our real world of momentary marriages and quick-fix romances the Book of Hosea speaks acutely to us than any other book in the Bible. Perhaps it’s the book with which we have more in common that we care to admit.

We’ve given you a disclaimer for this series. To be honest, I don’t know how to teach this book without broaching upon this subject matter. The Book of Hosea is a story about a prophet, a young man, and the rising star of Judaism. He’s young and has everything in front of him. He’s in the Northern Kingdom of Israel and God instructs him, as a living parable, to go out and marry a Temple prostitute. Not just any prostitute, but specifically someone involved in another religion. We’ve talked about the Canaanite religion—child sacrifice, Temple prostitution and the wickedness that would be universally decried by any person on the planet today that the Canaanite religions involve. God instructs the Prophet Hosea to go and marry Gomer, a Temple prostitute and daughter of Diblaim, the most famous whore in the Ancient Near East. Are you uncomfortable yet, because I certainly am?

Hosea takes Gomer to be his wife; they have children together. She repeatedly runs off on him to have multiple affairs. She returns to the Temple to her old way of living and repeatedly takes herself down several notches on the cast system in the world at that time. Again and again, Hosea goes back, gets her and brings her home. The parable we opened up talking about was what happens in Hosea, Chapter 2. Gomer runs away from her husband and looks for other lovers. Hosea dresses up in disguise to protect her from the wickedness of other men. Gomer cheats on even those with whom she cheats and Hosea is entirely unable to protect her, but he tries.

For the next three weeks we’re going to look at the characters of Hosea and Gomer, which are dealt with in the biblical book, Hosea. Their story is primarily contained in the first three chapters of that book. The last eleven chapters are prophecies Hosea uses from his own disgusting, failed, corrupted marriage to try and teach the people of God what God really wants for them. The things that happen in the Book of Hosea happen to Hosea the Prophet in real life. Those are his real kids, but they’re also metaphorically used by Hosea at the inspiration of God to educate the Israelite nation about what they’re like in the eyes of God.

We’ve talked several times here at Westwinds about the fact the people of God are, in a sense, married to God. In the New Testament that’s called the Bride of Christ. In the Old Testament the people of God are often referred to as the Bride or the Beloved or the Nurtured or the Mother of God’s People. To break down this parable we see extrapolated in Hosea, we understand God to be the husband and father, the nation and Kingdom of Israel to be the mother and the people of Israel to be the children.

This book takes place in a ridiculous time in history. To give you a quick history lesson on what’s going on, we’re talking about the years 750-720 B.C. We’re talking about the time right before Israel was taken captive by the Assyrian Empire and it’s a bewildering set of circumstance by which this happens. We know at this point in time the Nation of Israel has been broken apart into two separate kingdoms—the Northern Kingdom, which is Israel and the Southern Kingdom, which is Judah. We know these two nations didn’t really get along and at this point in time the Babylonian Empire, the Assyrian Empire and the Kingdom of Egypt were always warring with one another. In the middle of these three world powers, there is Israel and Judah and a couple of other tiny little nations, basically trading themselves off to whomever has the most power in order to be protected from the others.

At this point in history, both Israel and Judah are what are called tributaries to the Assyrian Empire, which means they pay money so the Assyrians don’t eat them. Israel is the kingdom in which Hosea the prophet prophesied. His talks are about this Northern Kingdom. His prophesies are about Israel, not about Judah. Israel sometimes in the book is referred to as Ephraim, so when you read the book and see the word Ephraim you’ll know they’re talking about Israel. That’s because the Tribe of Ephraim made up most of this Northern Kingdom.

At this point in time, the Northern Kingdom, Israel, decides it doesn’t want to be a tributary nation any more. It doesn’t want to pay for its safety anymore from Assyria. They get the idea they’re going to fight for their freedom and secede from the Assyrian Empire. They’ll no longer pay tribute; they’re going to independent. Judah decides it doesn’t want to do that. The Southern Kingdom says, “We like the Assyrian Empire. They’ve been good to us and haven’t caused any problems. We don’t want to rock the boat.” Israel gets angry at their brother state and chooses to make war on Judah. They choose to fight against their own countrymen.

We’ve often compared this dynamic—it’s a flawed comparison as they all are, but a very good one—to that of modern-day Ireland and Northern Ireland. The parallel is good because we know in recent Irish history, if you’re familiar with 20^th Century history, the Republic of Ireland decided to get out of the British Empire and fight for their independence. Northern Ireland wanted to stay as part of Britain and as part of that desire to stay, they made their brother country very angry and the two went to war.

This is what happened with Israel and Judah. Israel wanted to get out of the Assyrian Empire; Judah wanted to remain. Because Judah wanted to remain, that made Israel angry. Israel, Syria and Aram all attacked Judah, their countrymen, their own brothers, who not long before had all been a part of the same country. Judah, of course, is a smaller number of people, although a larger land mass. It’s recorded in one day of this battle Judah lost 120 thousand men, so no small death toll.

Judah appeals to the Assyrian Empire for help. They say, “Hey, look, we’ve been paying you money and tribute. You’re supposed to look after us; now we’re being attacked. Could you help?” The Assyrian Empire says, “No, you’ve been paying only for our protection from us. You’ve been paying so we don’t eat you, not so anyone else eats you. If you want our protection from someone else, you’re going to have to pay a lot more money.” Does this sound familiar? It sounds like the Mob.

Judah pays more taxes and more levies and more tribute and more honor—basically sells everything they have—so the Assyrians will come and protect them and they finally do. When the Assyrian Empire comes to Judah’s defense, they destroy and capture and lead off as slaves the Nation of Israel and Syria or Aram. That’s how Israel comes to be a captive.

Hosea is the largest and last of what are called the Pre-Exile Prophets. That means concerning the Nation of Israel, Hosea is their last chance to see what’s about to happen. There is a lot going on in this story. Israel, who has been identified as the people of God, turns away from God prostituting themselves to other religions. We’re not talking about religious difference here or freedom of religion. We’re talking about the way you worship is killing babies and sleeping with prostitutes. We’re talking about extreme things, things for which we do not have any justifiable parallel or context in North American today. God says, “Look, you’re supposed to be my people. My people are not supposed to do this. My wife is not supposed to look around for other lovers.”

God sends prophet after prophet after person after person to stop them from what they’re doing. The last-ditch effort is this poor, young schmuck named Hosea, who thinks he’s going to have this bright future and be the rising star of Judaism. He thinks maybe his oracles and prophecies will be the ones that turn the country around. Instead, he’s told to marry a prostitute. Isaiah got visions of the throne of God, Ezekiel saw fiery beasts and Hosea had to marry Gomer.

Today we’ll talk only in overview about the first three chapters of Hosea. In Chapter 1 God says to Hosea, “Go and take yourself this woman to be your wife. Love her and stay with her.” In Chapter 2 she runs off and they’re essentially divorced in that culture. In Chapter 3 Hosea goes back and reclaims his wife. Throughout these three chapters, there are a number of verses that are promises which God makes the proclamation he will restore his people. Those promises are important to the story of Hosea. Even in the midst of her cheating, the Prophet Hosea knows he’ll take back his actual wife, just like God, even in the midst of his people running off and prostituting themselves, knows he’ll go back and reclaim his people.

The names of the children in the biblical text are important names. They’re important names because they’re all symbolic. They had three kids, the oldest of whom was named Jezreel. Jezreel was the name of a place of particular bloodshed, where Israel always turned coat. God instructs the Prophet Hosea to name their firstborn Jezreel, which is a crummy name. It’s like naming your firstborn Benedict Arnold—not a great prophecy for what is to come on this poor kid’s life.

The second child is named “no mercy.” Gods the motivation, he says, “The reason I’m instructing you to name your child, a daughter, “no mercy,” is because I’m not going to have any mercy on you for your repeated wickedness. Most commentators believe the reason she was called “no mercy” and the reason God said, “I’m going to use ‘no mercy’ as an illustration,” was because “no mercy” should have been called “no Hosea,” because her daddy was someone other than the young prophet. That’s entirely likely given the particular free time/past time practices of Gomer.

The third child gets the best name of all, because Hosea names the third child, “not mine.” The Message translates that name as “nobody,” but it’s more accurately rendered “not mine.” Again, and we are all certain of this one, this third child definitely was not Hosea’s. This is the Brady Bunch of the Ancient Near East—a very blended family. There’s a lot of heartache that goes into this story.

I think we’d be wrong for us to omit a significant part of what’s happening here. It may seem very obvious to you, but it’s something that has a lot of relevance for us. In the story of Hosea and Gomer, just as in the story of God and his people, the thing that’s really happening at the root of all this is sin; in Greek it’s called hamartia.

People like to talk about sin, especially religious people. We get this question all the time at Westwinds, “Why don’t you talk about sin more?” People love to talk about this concept of sin and sometimes sin is misunderstood. Sometimes people like to use sin as an accusation or a system of control. I’m not sure we really want to be guilty of that, but I’m sure there is sin with which we each wrestle. There is sin in each of us—sin that must be overcome, sin that must be fought. At some point, it seems mandated by scripture we talk about it.

It’s not just that Gomer was a bad wife and Hosea should have had more grace for her. It’s that in Gomer there was this spiritual cancer. It’s not just that God’s people loved someone other than God. It’s not that they were controlled by God and he was an unjust husband. We’re talking about God—love, goodness incarnate, the Supreme Being, the One Above Whom There is No Other. We’re talking about God—perfection, the author of perfection. What’s really wrong with the people of God is this spiritual cancer.

Let me see if I can define for you in really functional terms what sin actually is. Sin is the breaking of relationship. A couple fellows from the Foursquare Church wrote a book, Relational Holiness, a number of years ago. A great book where they talk about the definition of sin is the breaking of relationship.

You can sin against God; you can also sin against other people. I know when I sin against God, I know when I have rebellion against God and I know when I’m disobedient against God. I also know when I’m rebellious against the people in authority over me. I also know when I’m unkind against the people in authority over me. If you look at the Ten Commandments or any of the seven hundred specific laws that are part of the Old Covenant or any of Jesus’ teachings, you realize very quickly what is broken in the midst of sin is the relationship between us and God or between us and other people. What are the two greatest commandments? “Love the LORD your God with all your heart, mind and strength,” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The breaking of relationship is sin.

The sin of Gomer was the breaking of relationship with Hosea, not to say at all how that affected the breaking of relationship with her children and how that affected the relationship of the children to their father. The sin of the people of Israel was to the breaking of relationship with God. They broke that relationship into a million little pieces, but it’s that relationship that was broken.

There are fifteen different words for sin used in the Book of Hosea to describe the people of God—fifteen! I don’t think we can ignore that piece in the text or ignore that piece in ourselves. Maybe we can give you some toeholds to understand that sin.

There are three different kinds of sin in Jewish mindset. That mindset, of course, Hosea would have known and understood. The people to whom he was writing all would have known this loose definition of sin. One is intentional, deliberate sin like premeditated sin. Another is an unintentional sin like a mischief, where your lack of self-control gets you into trouble. The last sin is the sin of complete ignorance; you don’t know you made a mistake.

What I find interesting is they are all sin. Typically, I’m led to excuse at least two out of three of those and sometimes even the premeditated one. If someone gets carried away with their personality and with who they are, we tend to write that off. You could make the argument Gomer got carried away—her mom was like this, she was like this, she was raised in a culture like this—but I don’t think the biblical text allows for that argument to stand. In fact, it’s quite direct in saying this is bad.

Sometimes people make a mistake and they unintentionally offend someone else. You could make the argument because they didn’t know, it’s not really that bad. Maybe they should feel sorry, but it’s not really that big of a deal. Well, apparently, it is, because these things are equally a breaking of relationship.

Here’s the lesson Gomer didn’t learn and the people of God didn’t learn in this book and maybe we can take from them. According to Jewish commentaries or the Jewish encyclopedia, sin against another person that isn’t put right can never be said to truly be repented. Unless you mend that relationship, it still is sin; it’s not forgiven or forgotten, because the relationship is still broken.

When we sin against God, we know how to make that right. We run to Jesus and say, “Oh, God, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” We accept the grace of God; we accept the grace of Jesus Christ. We accept union with God; we become more like God. We allow the spirit of God to transform. In simple ways we say, “Help! I’m sorry.” In complicated ways we say, “Oh, Lord, please make me whole.” Whether it’s complicated or whether it’s easy, we know how to mend our relationship with God when we sin against God. When we break relationship with God, it’s by pursuing God, by allowing and accepting God to join with us once again that we make that relationship whole again.

When we sin against other people—when it’s you in the chat room, when it’s you in the supper club, when it’s you running down your spouse or your co-workers, when it’s you hating people, when it’s you plotting against people, when it’s you double-crossing people—those relationships are broken too. It’s not enough to feel sorry or just feel regret; we have to make it right. If sin is the breaking of relationship, then restoration is the making whole of that relationship.

Restoration never happens in the Book of Hosea. Restoration with Gomer never truly occurs, despite all of Hosea’s best efforts and despite all of his taking her back. Restoration with the people of God never happens in the Book of Hosea, despite God’s many efforts and many promises to make that relationship whole.

We can’t just treat that all as an intellectual abstraction or a story of another time, because it’s our story. It’s in our Bible for a reason—to teach us about the breaking of relationship, to teach us about faithfulness, to teach us about wholeness and restoration, to teach us about un-sin or post-sin.

I wonder if we might leave you with some questions, heavy questions, because it’s a heavy subject. The questions are about you and your relationships. Maybe you can relate to the story of Hosea and Gomer. Can you ever think of a time where you’ve been involved in a broken relationship? Maybe there’s one that sticks out in your mind; maybe one God’s bringing to your mind at this moment to remind you. Can you think of how that relationship got mended? Can you think of what it took for there to be restoration? Maybe there wasn’t restoration and that thing is still broken. Have you done everything you can to make that relationship whole?

My wife is a teacher and in her education, they taught her about restitution as one way of disciplining children. One of the keystones of this principle is where educators and disciplinarians sit down with kids who have done bad stuff and say, “What are you going to do to make this right?” Great approach—not a flawless approach, but a great approach.

In your broken relationships, what are you going to do to make it right? Is there something that’s still broken you’ve got to do what you can do to make it right? In your relationship with God, is there something you’ve got to do to make it right? For many people the question is, “Is it even worth making it right?” It is a pain and a lot of heartache to make broken things whole.

By no means are we saying you have to go out and have the same relationship with everyone you ever had a relationship with. We don’t mean call up your ex-boyfriend and get back together with him. We don’t mean go back to your ex-spouse. We are saying: Is there something you can do to restore what has been broken?

At the very least, when you go to bed at night, you feel good about knowing you’ve put things right. What is that for you? What does that look like for you? These are the questions Hosea leads us to ask ourselves: Have we been unfaithful? How? Can we make things right? How? Are the people of God today like the people of God then? How?

You have a copy of the Draft and we’ve put something on the back that is very useful in thinking about Hosea. It’s called “Your Vow.” Because the metaphor of God as husband and the people of God as his bride are extended throughout the Bible, it’s reasonable for us to understand that metaphor is extended also to today. It’s reasonable for us to imagine ourselves as God’s bride—collectively, but also individually. You, by yourself, are also his bride.

It’s customary when people get married to take vows. Sometimes they write their own vows, sometimes they use the vows supplied by the State or Church. We thought it would be useful for us today to write our vows to God. Your vow can be anything you like.

When people get married and they ask me, “Dave, how do we write our own vows?” There are typically requirements for writing vows. You’ve got make them pursuant to exclusivity—it’s you and only you. You make vows that imply longevity—til deal do us part. We typically instruct people those vows are also a-circumstantial—I’m going to love you no matter what.

We want to give you a few minutes to write your vows to God. God is a vow-keeping God; he keeps his promises even when we don’t remember them, as in the case of the people of Israel. God’s a vow-making and a vow-keeping God. As such, we are never closer to him than when we make and keep our vows. Take these few minutes and write them out from what you feel, from what God is sponsoring in your heart, and keep them with you for this series. Share them with others, share them with us. Let’s use this as a prop for the spirit of God to speak to us about how we know and love him.