quelle surprise?

i've been learning a lot about myself lately, and much of what i'm learning surprises me.

here are some examples:


i'm more of an artist than i'd previously thought, but less social
- amateur filmaking has become graphic design has become illustration has become verse
has become briolcage, has become fantasy, has become mixed-media
- in vancouver i'd had so many strong and healthy relationships i'd just assumed it was because i was such a social person...now i know it had more to do with the fact that i'd known those people for decades (insert "duh" comment here)


i'm more curious, but less confident
- i used to think i had all things ecclesial and theological wrapped up tight in a little bow...then i read the rest of the bible
- len told me that we're all at least 25% wrong, we just don't know which 25%...ha!
- i truly believe that the eastern orthodox church has a truer biblical theology than do most protestants...but their churches are small and dying and deathly inconsequential to the world...what am i supposed to do with that?



more mystical, less apologetic
- i hate fighting about theology
- i hate smarmy know-it-all bible-college students, fundamentalists, or coked-up weirdos
- i hate that i hate them...i wish that the grace i had for them was growing faster than it is...it is my great unanswered prayer
- i'm more interested in charism than i once was...but not in the ways that i see it in the world...i'm deeply invested in discovering a third way forwards (i.e. not craziness and not apathy)


more instructional, less motivational
- i wish i did a better job at challenging people to live differently, so that they heard god speaking to them directly and could respond to him
- instead i think i err on the side of being spiritually bossy...although, one of the consistent comments i get from folks is that i need to be more direct and more prescriptive...hmm...


more collaborative, less managerial
- i get excited when creating, and love to create and talk through any number of things with anyone i'm with at any given moment
- i'm not great with making sure that everyone else dots all their i's and crosses all their t's


more family-oriented, less goal-oriented
- i love my kids, i love my wife, the rest is gravy
- meaningless, meaningless, a man works all day and night to get something he doesn't have and what is it all for? no one cares about what he does...
- i've worked hard to correct this (to the way it is now, with family first) and i'm glad i can honestly say it's different




these things have caught me a little off guard. to be sure, there are others i will undoubtedly discover over the next little while...but i'd once thought i was the exact opposite in these areas. isn't that funny how much we can change?