potty mouth

it surprises people, sometimes, to hear me use words like "crappy" or "sucks" when i preach.

some think it's because i'm trying to be relevant or authentic or something, but that's not really why.

in fact, i always regret using those (and all the many, many other) words. my mind races to twin moments of repentance and humiliation...not unlike most of my trips to public beaches.

anyway,
truth be told i just have sooooo much racing through my head in those moments that it's like a traffic jam. if i focus my attention on saying things nicely, i get stuck in traffic and cannot complete my thoughts.

which sometimes leads me to greater frustration
and has almost caused complete breakdown a number of times
which probably would have manifested itself as tourrets-galore.

a.k.a. resume-building time.

so, yeah - it's a growth area for me.

lately, though, as i've been struggling with this weird tension and pressure my normal speech has deteriorated too.

which makes me sad. i'd like to think i'm beyond silly sins...guess i'm really not.

i told my class tonight that this is an issue for me. it is. it always has been. but i want to win over it. i want to move past it. it just feels like i'm going to have to continue hammering this out bit by bit, hopefully winning more than i'm losing.