from about monday night until mid-day thursday i was a hot mess. i was emotional. depressed. gloomy. i was wrestling with very dark thoughts and several times was almost completely overtaken with anxiety. that's not like me. from time to time (usually in the 'let-down' time after completing an atlas) i go through little bouts of melancholy, but this was different.
i was scared of what i was thinking, scared of what i was feeling, and couldn't understand either where it came from or why. all i could do in that time was think 'please god help me protect my family from my mood, from my tongue, and from any actions that communicate neglect or disinterest or lack of love.'
i am so thankful for god and his grace to me and to my beautiful wife and children. carmel was such a rock star this week, and my awesome kids never even wized up to their dad's nuttiness. i am also thankful to god for the work he has done in me over the last few years. i don't think i could have made it through this week as safely (or caused as little damage to others) even six months ago. god's persistent grace has been at work in my spirit, re-forming me into a better version of myself. he is so good!
anyway - i just wanted to give a little testimony about how god rescued me this week and about how good he's been to me in the preceding years. these last few years have been really formative. i'm so happy and grateful and thankful to god for what he's done in my life. i'm blessed beyond words with the life he's given me. no one could ever ask for more than i have.
and the depression? turns out i was caught in a chemical crossfire. i had a very bad head cold and it was interfering with my ability to preach and lead the winds. i was taking nyquil at night and sudafed in the morning, and the tail end of the nyquil was hanging on through most of the day (hence the energy-less depression) just as the sudafed was kicking everything into high gear (hence the anxiety and panic attacks). thursday morning i kind of woke up thinking: maybe this is the drugs? and immediately stopped taking everything. i was back to my old self within about 4 hours.
i still have the sniffles, but i'll take 'em. after all, it's better to be sick than crazy. and this week has given me something to celebrate: through the dark time, i was able to exercise discipline and keep something personally unpleasant from becoming something that wrecked my job, my family, and my relationships. some people doubt whether or not there is a god; but i can tell you there is. it's only through his spirit that i was able to get through this week like that. i don't have enough character to control myself like i did. he had to give me his.
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