Saturday, July 11, 2009

comedy of errors

i performed a wedding today - jennie timmons became mrs randy sottovia - and it was beautiful.

there were, however, a few gaffs behind the scenes; though, thankfully, the bride and groom never learned about any of my antics.

first, i went to open the communion wine with my ever-handy corkscrew (kept neatly in my glovebox)...only to find it missing...10 minutes before the ceremony was supposed to begin.

so i began to work the cork out with my car keys...which broke (the keys, not the cork).

when i finally popped the cork (down into the wine, not outwards like i'd planned), i dropped the bottle onto the ground.

i bent down to pick the bottle up (thankfully it hadn't broken) and knocked over my bible in the process, spilling old sermon notes everywhere.

frustrated, i stood up to quickly gather my notes before they blew away...and hit my head on the car door, cutting it open.

finally having gathered all my stuff, i took the wine down to the pier to pour it into the special cup the couple had chosen for the day...except the wine wouldn't pour because the cork kept plugging the i used my keys to push the cork out of the way, but then the wine traveled down my key ring and spilled all over the white table cloth.

it was now 2 minutes until starting time.

as i began to blot up the wine with my shirtsleeve, the wind took hold of my wedding book and sent all my papers (again!) sailing into the lake behind the pier.

including their wedding vows.

this is when i swore 3 times, quickly, under my breath...only to discover my lapel mic was on.


luckily, the PA system was not on, so my lapse in holiness will likely only be recorded for the wedding party to enjoy on their video later.

i ran to my car, grabbed my 5-iron, and fished their vows out of the lake.

then i (re)filled the wine goblet.

then i affixed my holy-pro smile and performed a pretty fantastic ceremony, in which only a select few (scott h, nate, amanda, tim) had any notion that i'd spent the previous 15 minutes as Mr. Bean.

that is all.


  1. this one IS for the ages! feel privileged to have experienced it on the inside. (and it was an enjoyable & remarkably quick ceremony).
    one add to your mess, I started wondering how much weight the bridge would hold as the attenders began to gather!

  2. hahahaha mr.bean